Formerly Self Medicated

Artwork by Yaoyao Ma Van As
Used to self-medicate 
but those days are long past
Got rid of the habit
But addiction dies hard

to the past
to the pain
to the high

The craves don’t dissipate

Still learning to cope 
By subtracting the haze
Trying so hard to live down 
a whole slew of mistakes

A life up smoke 
like the herb I would blaze
A few tabs on my tongue
Lost almost whole days

I still remember now

Midnights sitting out by the pool
Wide eyed and full of wander
Awestruck by the moon 
Seeing it with different eyes
Intoxicated by how my toes felt 
When I dipped them in the water

Every feeling I’ve ever felt magnified
So much so my heart felt like it would burst


By the joy
By the fear
By the sadness

Seeing beauty where I never saw it before
Imagining monsters when there were not any to come for
Reflecting on mistakes I had too long ignored

No self control

One more
Two more
Last one 

I swear

These narcotics
I’m neurotic

What’s in these pills 
that makes everything feel okay

What’s in these pills 
that lifts the weight of caring 


Off my shoulders


You really shouldn’t have given me these

Getting busy chasing a high that gifts me with


Can you really blame me
I never stood a chance

Took the easy way out
Cowered away
Let this unspoken pain 
Fade with the daze

Music blaring through the door
Can’t forget
The filth of the bar’s bathroom floor
No matter how hard I try
As I laid there barely aware
Slipping in and out of consciousness
As a familiar face kept me awake

Looking back now
Realizing that night
I was saved by His grace

So many repeated mistakes
Another remake
My self loathing creates

Like the lost drunken night
With cloudy judgement to spare
When my weakness was surpassed
By a charming adversary full mast
This damsel was distressed by his malicious advance
But saved by a white knight outcast
Who rescued her chaste

These cumbersome feelings
Bottled up from past yesterdays
Their sting it outlasts the passing of time
My fragile heart holds on to the ache

So much is their weight
I just couldn’t take the drain on my soul
So I tried to forget by fading away
With every daily sunset

But the lesson remained unlearned
The story of my life
Includes a lot of reruns of the same episode
Until I scared myself enough into change

In hindsight I see 20/20
The darkness it came
But it didn’t last long
It finished fast
Like a one night stand
You wished you had passed

The dawn arrived faithfully
I saw another today
Was handed a brand new slate

It was time to come clean
All secrets were revealed
burdens were lifted by truth
shoulders finally at rest
permanently eased 
by an unwavering love
that keeps the demons at bay

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